We fight with them and we always seem to disagree. They are so critical of us, and yet they are always there for us in a crisis. The only way to describe the relationship between a mother and a daughter is “complicated.”
In her latest book, “You’re Wearing That?: Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation,” linguistics expert Deborah Tannen examines how communication is the foundation of the mother/daughter relationship. When this communication fails, the relationship may become strained.
“For girls and women, talk is the glue that holds a relationship together – and the explosive that can blow it apart,” Tannen wrote in an article for the Washington Post.
Women are notorious talkers; it is how we relate to one another. And when it comes to our mothers, it seems we share the smallest and most personal details of our day, according to Tannen in an interview with The New York Times. But because of this intimacy, daughters leave themselves open for criticism.
“When mothers and daughters spend a lot of time talking about personal matters, it gives them countless opportunities to say the wrong things to each other,” said Tannen.
It is this misinterpretation and indirectness that strains the mother/daughter relationship. Tannen discusses the problem of motherly criticism in great detail.
“Mothers subject their daughters to a level of scrutiny people usually reserved for themselves,” she wrote.
While this is a pitfall in the relationship between mothers and daughters, it actually may be beneficial.
“My mom does criticize me, but I know I can trust her opinions most of the time because she is one of the few people who always tells me the truth,” said Lauren Wood ’08.
Getting a mother’s approval and allowing her access into her daughter’s private life is an important part of the relationship.
“Mothers and daughters search for themselves in the other as if hunting for treasure, as if finding sameness affirms who they are,” Tannen wrote.
Female students agree with Tannen that we greatly depend on our mothers to help us define ourselves and open communication is important to build that.
“I think it’s important to have a good relationship with your mom and being honest is the best way to do that,” said Casey Grier ’08. “There may be some exceptions when you don’t feel comfortable telling her every little detail, but mother-daughter relationships are made stronger when trust is involved.”
Tannen does not discuss how distance, including the physical distance between mothers and daughters during college years, affects the relationship. Many girls actually find that distance helps. Getting space from the criticism can help build a stronger relationship, and as Tannen notes, perspective on a situation can help diffuse a disagreement.
“She can seriously get on my nerves when I’m living at home,” said Katie Barry ’08. “But when I’m at school we talk on the phone all the time, and we’re really close.”
A relationship founded on communication breaks down easily when mothers and daughters fail to understand one another’s perspectives, according to Tannen. In her book, she discusses ways to improve communication, thereby improving the relationship.
“Whenever I have a problem, I like to confide in my mom,” said Kristen Daly ’08. “Sure we fight sometimes, but because we’re close we can talk and work things out.”
Tannen encourages openness between mothers and daughters as one of the most important parts of the intimate relationship.
“Caring about someone as much as you care about yourself, and the critical eye that comes with it, are two strands that cannot be separated,” she wrote. “Both engender a passion that makes the mother-daughter relationship perilous – and precious.”
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