I had never watched an episode of “Sex and the City” prior to the viewing you’re about to re-live. I do, however, have a major bias because I’ve been able to catch a few minutes here and there, and the show seems absolutely ridiculous to me. In a New Year’s pursuit of trying to get rid of all my unfounded biases, I’ve decided to watch, roughly, a full hour of “Sex and the City.” Below are my first-hand observations of the experience.
8:00 p.m.: Game time! It is my first full viewing of “Sex and the City,” live from Townhouse 122. I think we’re all excited for this one. I brought two male friends along for their virgin “Sex and the City” viewing, in addition to the seven members of this fine house. For those scoring at home, we’re watching “The Chicken Dance” episode.
8:02 p.m.: The opening song is a very important and underrated quality in a running television show. That’s the only complaint I have about “Boy Meets World,” and it’s why I still consider “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” a better show.
This opening is pretty weak, a somewhat recognizable song with too much Sarah Jessica Parker. Sarah Jessica Parker (SJP from now on) is an anomaly to me; it seems like every girl is rooting for every guy to find her attractive, and it just won’t happen.
8:07 p.m.: So far, no believable sentences have been spoken by a male character. Is this how girls want us to speak? Do these guys actually exist? Maybe it’s because all of these guys are 30 years old, single and living alone in studio apartments in New York City. I’m already confused.
8:09 p.m.: Unbelievably graphic sex scene. I don’t think this show was intended to be watched with males and females in the same room. We all just keep staring at the screen. The silence is deafening.
8:13 p.m.: Best exchange of the night so far:
Mr. Big: What are you wearing right now?
Carrie (played by SJP): Do you believe in love at first sight?
Good times all around. Mr. Big, by the way, is an alias that was used by SJP’s love interest for the first few seasons of the show. Kind of like Seinfeld disguising Kramer’s real first name; only Kramer’s first named turned out to be Cosmo, and this guy’s named turned out to be John. Wildly uncreative.
8:18 p.m.: I don’t know why, but I expected more talking. However, the girls have kept their comments limited to sporadic critiques of the clothing and SJP’s lack of a bra.
8:21 p.m.: Carrie’s having trouble getting Mr. Big to really commit to her; he took a phone call at a wedding while she was giving a heartfelt poem about the couple. She forgave him after he made a lousy joke.
Can you imagine doing something like that to a girl and getting away with it that quickly? I’m pretty sure most self-respecting women would at least key his car and not talk to him for three days. It’s becoming apparent why she can’t get this guy to commit. I’m ALMOST getting sucked in here.
8:24 p.m.: So far there hasn’t been a person over the age of 45 or under the age of 30 on the screen. Is this what New York City is really like?
8:27 p.m.: The first episode ended with the quote, “Maybe we’re more the fuzzy glove types.” I’m confused.
8:34 p.m.: While watching the show with these women, I’m starting to get the feeling that this is a major female-bonding ritual. Every group probably associates a few of their friends as a Carrie, a Samantha, a Charlotte or a Miranda. Males are the same way with Jerrys, Georges and Kramers and to a lesser degree, Chandlers, Joeys and Rosses.
8:38 p.m.: There are a few gay men in this episode, and, frankly, the women couldn’t be more excited about it. I don’t know what the attraction is with females and gay men, but I do know that straight men don’t have it.
8:40 p.m.: One of the guys just yelled “fax it over!” and every girl in the room said it with him simultaneously. I get the feeling that’s the female equivalent to “show me potato salad!”
8:50 p.m.: It only took 50 minutes, but we have our first profile-worthy quote in this episode: “I would love to find a man who’s strong enough to catch me.”
I think if that one shows up in your girlfriend’s online profile, you’re going to want to up the Terror Alert to “orange.”
8:52 p.m.: The episode is starting to wind down and they’re at a wedding showing a scene with the bride and groom being lifted on chairs, in line with the Jewish tradition. I don’t care what kind of wedding I have, but I have decided that this will happen at my wedding.
8:53 p.m.: Episode two comes to a close with the line, “I survived because I have a good safety net,” which led to a tremendous sigh from the female viewers as they looked lovingly at each other. This likeness should last at least until someone rudely uses all the water in the house shower.
Hey good news, “Family Guy” is on!
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