SHE said

As a woman of many talents, one thing that I absolutely cannot pride myself on is my driving skills. And I’m not talking about the occasional forgotten turn signal or buckled seat belt – I’m talking about how you take your life in your hands when you get in the car with me. Hey, I’m not proud, I’m just being honest.

I’ve learned many important lessons since I received my license at the tender age of 17 (DMV of NJ, what were you thinking?), and I’m more than happy to share them. After four years behind the wheel, I’m on car number three, with a handful of moving violations thrown in. Avoid such things with Tip No.1: Don’t talk on your cell phone while driving in Connecticut – Bridgeport Court House is a scary, scary place.

Even though I love New Jersey, I dread the two-hour journey home from Fairfield. It’s just long enough for that butt soreness to kick in, and I can never make a CD that lasts the whole way home. So, I rationalize my over-the-speed-limit driving with the thought process, “The quicker I get there, the less time I have to spend in the car.” Hence, Tip No.2: Don’t use this rationale – it’s how you get speeding tickets.

I’m a multi-tasker by nature, so I can’t help that this trait follows me into the car, regardless of how long my trip is going to take me. This brings me to Tip No. 3: Don’t try to sign a check, put on your gym sneakers, pick up your cell phone after dropping it under your seat, search for lip gloss in your over-sized bag, drink hot coffee and change the CD at the same time. You will, without a doubt, rear-end the soccer mom in front of you. And even though her monster SUV will survive the incident unscathed (while you dodge traffic to pick up your license plate from the middle of the road), you’ll get a lecture from her anyway.

Tip No. 4 is pretty straightforward: ALWAYS PEE BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE! Even though you may think you can make that drive up to Boston all by yourself, you’ll find yourself going over the wrong bridge at 2 a.m. with three cups of coffee in you and no rest stop for 25 miles. And no matter how lost you are, don’t cry to the seemingly nice toll collector because (take it from someone with experience) he’ll just laugh at you.

So, what have we learned from this week’s column? Tip No. 5: It’s probably not a good idea to ask me for a ride.