Go on a blind date or be a third wheel…
When your ‘couple friends’ (you know who these people are) ask you to accompany them to dinner, it’s probably because you are sitting on the couch watching television, alone, with the lights off to ‘reduce the electricity bill.’ You say ‘Sure,’ which means ‘Hi! You won’t be enjoying any sort of romance this evening, now that I’ve decided to make you feel bad for me.’
Blind dates are just awkward. You size the other person up, wondering why he slightly resembles the guy at Jazzman’s who hates getting people their coffee cups. Then, you realize that he just referenced your Facebook interests and movies as ‘his absolute favorites, what a coincidence!’ You can, however, stage a ‘911’ and have your friend call you in the middle of dinner. Oops, you’re fugly!
Skybox or the Grape…
The Grape excels in facilitating your social endeavors. The bar at the Grape is in the center of the room. So, you can easily say ‘Hey, I’m going to take a lap,’ which essentially means ‘Get out of my face, I’m finished with you.’ It’s socially acceptable to administer a blatant diss. Six degrees of separation doesn’t exist here; it’s three-degrees, and everyone is fair game. Things get tricky when you are one degree closer to that guy in your marketing class and you find yourself driving to campus with him the next morning.’ Not on purpose – you’d be late if you went home first.’
Drink beer or liquor…
Liquor is the devil’s advocate and main blackout instigator.’ All the major guys (Jack, Jameson, Jose and Stolichnaya, the exchange student) are sneaky players. Hard alcohol can also make you sick: or sleepy, insane, creepy or kinky, none of which are attractive.
Beer prevents the post-socialization anxiety that results from waking up with your phone message outbox deleted, a severe liquor-texting faux-pas.’ What could you have said that caused you to delete your outbox? You’ll never know, but he certainly will.
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