Author Michael Bond

I've always felt that I was short-changed when I was given a tour of this campus. When I came here I had no idea what the townhouses were or just how creepy Dolan Hall really is. I dreamed the other night that I gave the perfect "reality tour" of Fairfield.

To begin... To begin... How to start? I'm hungry. I should get coffee. Coffee would help me think. Maybe I should write something first, then reward myself with coffee. This is how the writer Charlie Kaufman, played by Nicholas Cage, in "Adaptation" internally describes the frustration of getting to work.

It's 7:30 a.m. on a Saturday and my housemate "Olaf" (my housemates name for purposes of this article) is sitting on the edge of the couch, unshaven, unkempt, and nearly undressed. All that is keeping him decent is a gritty loincloth which some would call a pair of boxers.

So it's back to New York City for the Red Sox. For the faithful of Red Sox Nation it is time to start making offerings--small animals, mid-terms. As for Yankees fans they have now resumed the professional and yet cocky self-assuredness that characterizes them so well.

A fictional account of my Saturday night: Last Saturday was a slow night and so I thought I would check in with the highly useful "Campus Calendar" for what exciting events might be going on. Much to my dismay there was listed "FUSA Butt Shorts." I cringed as I imagined it to be a venerable fortress of over-stimulated estrogen struggling to get the last "T" so as to emblazon theirs with the catchy phrase, "Hott (sic) Stuff.

Fairfield ushered in a new tradition this year with the first ever freshman only convocation. It was a very elaborate, ornate ceremony right from the onset when Dr. Barbara Ehrenreich, longtime writer, entered into the Quick Center along with department heads and major administrators such as Father Kelley, the president of the university.

If the allegations by former basketball players prove to be true, it will be an irrefutable sign that our university has gone too far. But there have been indications that the university's priorities were shifting, and we have chosen to ignore them. We, as students, have long been aware of the idea that athletes receive acceptable special treatment, academic or otherwise.

Fairfield always seems to have little surprises waiting for me in my mailbox over the summer. This year I was socked with a $65 "room damage" fine. When I spoke to several friends of mine the bills were almost as high as mine. The bill itself comes as a nice tidy figure with zero explanation.

I remember awaking sharply on Sept. 11, 2001 to the shrill ring of the telephone by my bedside. My brother Jeff, then a sophomore at Fordham University in the Bronx, NY was on the phone: "Jess! Turn on the news! The World Trade Center has been attacked!" I instantly leapt out of bed, almost smacking my forehead on the bunk bed that hung over me.

I use Gillette's fancy Mach 3 razor system. The problem I faced was that the blade left on my razor had a few too many miles on it. So, I ventured off to the paragon of food, toiletries, and the occasional baked good-Stop and Shop. Much to my surprise, Mach 3 blades were over seven dollars! I, being painfully cheap, decided to go with a $1.