One week of Fairfield under our belts and we have tons of humiliating stories to entertain and delight the Fairfield population. I know that as you are reading this, you are creepishly scouting out who you hooked up with last night while at Barone shoving tater tots down your throat at a rapid rate to sop up the hangover. But don’t worry, because if you are wearing a baseball cap as advised by She Said, no one will know who you are (from a distance at least). Speaking of tots, here’s some food for thought; maybe, just maybe, the person next to you sent in one of these little gems below.
*P.S. if anyone sent in anything regarding midgets, jello wrestling, strippers or hallucinogens I have left them out due to fear of self-incrimination, my sincere apologies.
1. After an intimate evening my boyfriend jiggled my stomach and asked ‘is there something we need to work on?’ FML.
What a D-bag. This is why girls are becoming drunkorexics.
2. Apparently, Friday I was screaming that my boss is a silver fox and I’d love to climb my way up the ladder. A fellow intern heard me. The office was pretty quiet today, except for the whispering when I walked past. FML
Well, in this economy … just kidding. I couldn’t encourage that type of behavior it totally goes against Cura Personalis.
3. Today I was discussing my hookup options with my very close friend. I had told her that I thought one guy was a very good option to pursue but he had slept around a lot so I was having doubts. She said, so have you … what’s the problem? FML
Hopefully, your close friends are the only ones that know you are a little ho-bot. No worries, juicy campus is gone so there isn’t a mass communication tool to make a blog about you.
4. I finally hooked up with the girl I have been interested in for months. After, I asked her if we should exchange numbers. She said, nah we won’t remember this in the morning anyway.
I think you’ve saved yourself a lot of trouble. Who wants that awkward ‘do I text so things are friendly, but if I do will the other person think I’m overly interested when I’m really not?’ Or ‘am I interested and just convincing myself I’m not because they might not be as interested?’ battle in your head for 15 minutes until you do text and wish you never had.
FAIRFIELD texts from last night
1. “The guy I was just hooking up with got a charlie horse and screamed for his roommate who ran in and stretched him out while he was naked.”
Yikes! Whoever this happened to must have given this guy quite a work out. Nice job. Maybe next time keep a bottle of Bengay next to the bed … just don’t confuse it for KY his and hers.
2. “Things were going great until he totally bear-clawed me. Should I go to the health center?”
— “That or animal control.”
3. “I’m laying low at the Grape tonight — apparently I thought the bouncer was hot on Saturday and I decided to let him know this by running up and grabbing his junk. He had to call in backup.”
Maybe you won’t need two forms of ID to get in next time, unless there was a restraining order issued.
4. “Come over. I just put Nutella in the mac and cheese. We could live like kings.”
Haha. I also have a fascination with putting things in macaroni and cheese. The drunker the creator is, the better it gets.
5. “Swimming in the sound naked. Here is your chance to make your move and take advantage of me while I’m drunk.”
Ahhh! Sound naked? Way to take the bull by the horns though.