Every sexually active person has experienced some form of a bad hookup. Gentlemen, I’m positive that every one of you can recall a “dead in the bed” lady that made you question whether you were using your member or a tranquilizer gun. And ladies, I’m sure you can recall multiple stories of guys who have gone from stud to dud faster than a pair of pants hitting the floor. These types of hookups have plagued the common college student since the dawn of time.
However, a hook-up from hell constitutes a completely different beast. Hook ups from hell are passed like folklore from generation to generation, ensuring humiliation for the hook-upees for all eternity. Today I’ll introduce you to the circles of hook-up hell in hopes that you can avoid eternal damnation.
A quick public service announcement: always use proper protection. Even though using the proper protection when hooking up does not technically absolve you from a hook up from hell, it just ensures that your hook up from hell will be recounted as a hilarious story, not a horrific medical disaster.
First Circle of Hookup Hell – Last night the girl you brought home looked like a girl from Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin” video, yet somehow overnight transformed into the missing link between humans and apes. Obviously your friends did nothing to stop this and in fact probably encouraged it, those bastards. This hookup can be pushed into the second circle of hell when your so called friends chant the missing link’s name at embarrassing moments, such as when your girl friend from home shows up for the weekend.
Second Circle of Hook-up Hell – The hookup is proceeding according to protocol when suddenly, somebody experiences an embarrassing bodily malfunction. These include, but are not limited too, such things as mid hookup flatulence or post hookup bed wetting.
Third Circle of Hook-up Hell – You both consumed so much alcohol (surprise) that you are semi passed out while hooking up in an awkward position. Not too bad, until you factor in your friend, who is also in the room…with a video camera. This hookup would not be classified in so deep a circle from hell had Al Gore not invented the internet, where the video would be displayed for all to see.
Fourth Circle of Hook-up Hell – You’ve hooked up with the proverbial “town pump,” leading to paranoia. Again, I’m advocating safe sex when hooking up, because nobody should step up to the plate without their helmet. Forgetting to do this can lead to seriously bad aftermath. You do not want to find yourself so worried about your sexual health that you stoop to “disinfecting” your undercarriage with a bottle of Bukoff Vodka. For the love of God, wrap it up.
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