Actual real quotes from actual real alumni this weekend:Mitch Epstein ’00: “Wow, best alumni weekend ever. The Grape was unbelievable. It was never too crowded and I could get a drink whenever I wanted. Glad to see the Point is still as crazy as it was back when I graduated too; it’d be a shame to see that ever get shut down by like an injunction or something.”

Leroy Finkleberg ’04: “Damn son, what a homecoming football game. The Stags’ football team is stomping teams OUT in the MAAC this year! We already got tickets to the Ohio State – Fairfield game next weekend.”

Harvey Mandlebaum ’03: “Kid, I can’t believe how many events the school scheduled for the alumni this weekend. They really went balls to the wall.”

I know exactly what you’re thinking. “There is no way in hell that these quotes can be real Dan. You found three Jewish alumni from Fairfield? That’s BS.” You’re exactly right, these alumni are indeed BS, and so are their quotes.

Alumni weekend left me thoroughly unimpressed as it magnified the lack of social activities this school offers students. With no football team for which to schedule a home game on Alumni Weekend and the beach being tamed by recent police policies, what were the alumni to do other than pack their asses into the Grape and hope for the best? And as much as I love hanging out with our class at the Grape on weekends, I can’t stand the fact that the bulk of Fairfield social life revolves around a single bar.

I don’t blame the alumni at all for this. They simply did the same thing we do every weekend and made the best of a crappy situation. But it angers me that I didn’t get to hang out with any alumni all weekend because the line outside the Grape was constantly 20-plus people deep and I sure as hell wasn’t waiting that long for a drink. The only experience of mine from last weekend that involved an alumni worthy of noting unfolded like this:

This quasi-interaction occurred Saturday night and, to protect her identity, we’ll call her Mary Jane Rottencrotch ’05. Ms. Rottencrotch escorted my severely polluted housemate back to our house in the wee hours of Sunday morning for some extracurricular activities and, needless to say, they went down (pardon the pun). Common sense began to prevail, so he did exactly what any good man would do: ditch her to sleep in a completely different room. We still don’t know when or how our ’05er left the house.

I must digress from embarrassing my housemate and the ’05er. Alumni Weekend confirmed my belief that Fairfield as a school offers little in the way of fun. It’s the kids that go here that make the school fun; the personalities we see out every night, and the unbelievable acts of stupidity that will make you laugh for years.

So at the risk of sounding sentimental, I don’t look forward to coming back to Fairfield for my own Alumni weekend. I look forward to seeing all the people I graduated with. I’ll catch you all in the Grape in ’07.

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