Super Bowl Sunday (or as old timers from Massachusetts like to say: “Supah Bowl Sundee”) looms ahead this weekend. This year’s Super Bowl features the AFC’s Indianapolis Colts matching up against the NFC’s Chicago Bears. Sexy Rexy Grossman against a certain 6-foot-5-inch, 230 pound quarterback with a laser rocket arm who Meg compares to Dan Marino, which is blasphemy. Its not his fault he never won a Super Bowl, no matter what that damn Ray Finkle says.
Granted, maybe the Super Bowl isn’t quite as exciting when your own team isn’t playing. Eagles, Giants, and Patriots fans at FU all suffered through their teams losing brutally close games in the 2006 playoffs. Neither Eli Manning (the Fredo Corleone to Peyton’s Michael), nor the world’s first red headed Latino, Jeff Garcia, had enough to get it done this year. Even getting to see Giselle naked wasn’t enough to save Tom Brady from defeat in the playoffs, which disproved my theory that if you can get Giselle naked, you’re omnipotent.
The coolest thing about the Super Bowl is that it unites the genders. No, I’m not saying the Super Bowl creates transsexuals. I’m saying that that both women and men alike enjoy the Super Bowl. And I would never suggest that a woman’s way of enjoying the Super Bowl should be making sandwiches and fetching beers during the game while I watch and then cleaning up after the game while I pass out. What am I, sexist?
When your team isn’t in the Super Bowl, there really seems to be only three fool-proof ways to make the game more exciting: if you’re gambling, if you’re drinking or if you’re gambling while drinking.
I feel it’s time to give the drinking vice a rest in this column, so today, I’m channeling my inner John Anthony to give you some more obscure gambling odds related to “Sundee’s” game. Taking a few of these bets may provide you entertainment during the game when you decide to take a break from embarrassing yourself with comments that prove you know nothing about football (goes for both girls and guys) and belching (likewise):
Sunday’s Odds:
1 to 1 – We will see a commercial featuring endorsement whore Peyton Manning.
15 to 1 – That commercial will be for Vagasil. By the way, I would pay damn good money to see Manning in this commercial and ask: “Ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?”
8 to 1 – Rex Grossman’s stunt double, Fairfield’s own Taylor Bush, will start at quarterback for the Chicago Bears and nobody will know the difference.
5 to 1 – Donovan McNabb will be watching the game while relaxing at home, and suddenly throw up during the fourth quarter.
Over/Under:
7- ½ – FPP (Farts Per Person) averaged by you and you’re friends during the game. For the ladies, the over/under on FPP surprisingly only drops to 6-1/2. Vegas knows something…
53- ½ – FPS (Farts Per Siragusa) unleashed during the game by America’s favorite fat guy, Tony Siragusa. I’m taking the over.
35 – ½ – Old men that will see a Viagra commercial during the Super Bowl and ask their doctor about Viagra.
437 – ½ -Old men that will see the lovely Candice Michelle in the newest GoDaddy.com commercial and suddenly not need to ask their doctor about Viagra.
Remember, all lines are subject to change, so get in while the lines are good. See ya Sundee.
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