He Said: Wanna Be a Heart-breaker?

Looking to get rid of the old ball-and-chain and live it up for the summer? Hell yeah you are. Of course, you probably don’t have the testicular fortitude to tell that wench to hit the bricks. Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan. First…

DON’T: Ask Meg Donlon for advice. She’ll probably just tell you to dump your girl and start going out with your cousin for Christ sakes. This may be a bit of an inside joke so let me take a minute to explain. Ready? Meg dated her cousin. I know, totally gross.

DO: Doctor a photo from your girlfriend’s Facebook photo album titled “tHiZ iZ Y wE HoTT” to make it appear she’s making out with Eric Reitz ’07. Tell her you have no choice but to dump her on principle.

DON’T: Conspicuously place a box of Valtrex in your room thinking she’ll see it and break up with you. It may work, but girls talk man, girls talk…

DO: Set up a scavenger hunt with clues leading up to a prize she’ll obviously assume is a present of some sort. Instead, the prize is a note telling her you’re through. Surprise, sweety! Probably a good Valentine’s Day idea if you’re looking to be single.

DON’T: Have your friend break the bad news to her. That’s so middle school dude. Break up like a man and do it yourself … on AIM.

DO: The George Costanza special: suggest a three-way with her friend. She’s either breaking up with you or you’re getting a three-way. Not a lot to complain about.

DON’T: Give her a reason for the break-up that she can fix. Instead of saying the reason is her bad breath, drive your point home: tell her she has a chronic incurable condition, like halitosis, or Herpes.

DON’T: Give her the old “It’s not you, its me” song and dance. By all means, blame her. Sure she caught you cheating on her 10 different times and still took you back. Whatever, she was cramping your style; it’s her fault.

DO: Make a logical argument for ending the relationship. This represents your best option because when it comes to relationships, girls think in logical terms and can be easily reasoned with.

… and enjoy single life. I don’t have any advice for you if you’re having trouble hooking up while single. My guess is you’re probably just ugly.