So it’s a Friday night after a long week. You’re tired from working but not ready to succumb to the sleep that you know your body desperately needs.
You weigh the options, and make your decision.
It’s time to rally and go out because hell, you’re in college and you’re supposed to do stupid things.
Having secured your required amount of firewater for the evening’s festivities, the college male ventures to the cafeteria and begins to feed. Talking about what the night will end up like is one of the best parts of the evening. Nothing bad has happened yet.
YET.
No hospital visits or thrown bottles, just freedom and the chance to do something legendary.
As the amount of firewater intake increases, the college males begin to become closely grouped. Like a pack of buffalo on some sort of arctic tundra, the college males huddles together for reasons unknown to anyone else, usually around a table or video game. While the proximity decreases, volume of voice increases.
Soon, in a valiant display of masculinity, the males start screaming at one another, each one eager to one up the next in loudness and display of obnoxious machismo.
Usually starting with some sort of competition on who can consume the most firewater, the night quickly descends to DEPCON 5.
There’s always that one guy who ‘accidentally’ has a few too many and decides to put peanut butter on his nipples or believes he can sing along perfectly with ‘American Pie’.
Having achieved an impressive level of drunk, the males venture out, braving the frigid weather to seek out their goal.
Confidence and testosterone are at an all-time high. Bromances are freely flowing and everyone who observes the gallivanting group just sees so much unspoken sexual tension.
After leaving the first townhouse (which is almost never as good as the second), the males engage in a display of drunken idiocracy. Whipping out your cellphone, you begin texting every girl that you most likely will have no opportunity to ever see that night.
We’re talking global.
That girl you know that goes to the University of Moscow is just not a good option right now.
No one is going to help you out on your hunt for satisfaction… Or cuddling.
I just want to cuddle.
Totally DTC.
Suddenly that ex-girlfriend you dumped junior year is someone you want to talk to badly.
You need to talk to her.
YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER NOW.
Despite your friend’s arguments you’re going to do it anyways. Do it, you won’t.
College is the best time of a young male’s life. Stay safe over winter break so that you’re able to come back for another semester of tom-foolery. Never stop, and remember, stay thirsty.
– Sent from my iPhone
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