New Year’s resolutions make just as much sense to me as getting Sunday’s newspaper on Saturday. You set a goal for yourself weeks before it goes into effect, and then try your hardest during the time leading up to January 1st to indulge as much as you can before you have to rid that bad habit.
A few nights ago, I was leaving campus and I couldn’t do anything but laugh. There were more females squashed into the cornered off cardio section than a townhouse party; I thought Public Safety was going to show up to ensure treadmill safety. As I sat at the stop sign and took a triple take, I wondered one thing: why do females always formulate wellness resolutions?
The answer is simple: because females love attention. You love prancing around campus in your size zero booty shorts, telling all your friends you’re going to the gym. When they comment on your thinness and lack of a need for weight loss, you smile, and head to the Stag for a quick slice of pizza before hitting the elliptical; what, one slice won’t hurt. Ladies, I have one thing to say, exercise and nutrition are like Dolce and Gabbana – there’s no product unless both are paired together.
As for the majority of men, I have never met one who has made a serious New Year’s resolution, probably due to the fact that men recognize resolutions are impertinent to daily living. Besides the fact that men have more important concerns in life then yoga, they realize that the traditional wellness-oriented goals are a mere way for weight loss companies to profit. Yes ladies, it’s all centered around money. Despite what you think, Jenny Craig doesn’t care about you or your waistline, only your checkbook.
But shouldn’t New Year’s resolutions mill around helping others? Well…
No. How can you help others without first helping yourself? Right?
With the above said, you’re probably wondering what my resolutions are. Well, this year, for the first time in my life, I have made two substantial New Year’s resolutions I can ensure I will keep. First off, I will always replace the gas nozzle before driving away from the pump. I’m from New Jersey and still am not used to pumping my own gas. Secondly, I will always “check for paper” when leaving a rest room. People don’t take you seriously with toilet paper attached to your shoe. Now aren’t those practical resolutions?
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