The University cheating scandal finally came to a close today, revealing former FUSA President Hutch Williams as the cheater.
A Public Safety official told The Mirror, ‘We caught him red-handed as well as red-faced, red-bellied and red-backed.
‘I saw that some grades were Stag-negative and needed to be changed to Stag-positive,’ said Williams.
The former ‘head Stag,’ as his cronies called him, is currently working in the Athletics Department as a towel boy.
Williams got into the system not through a contact in Computing and Networking Services (CNS) like many thought, but through a Prichard worker who is in charge of informational and technological systems as well as bathroom maintenance.
In response to the incident, FUSA President Josh Sizemore announced that the University would be switching to a Gmail-based system, or Google e-mail. When asked what Gmail would accomplish, Sizemore said, ‘I am not sure but I very rarely check my e-mail anyway.’
Sizemore wanted to remind the University community that despite the incident, ‘Sizemore still matters.’
University officials said that they do not anticipate the incident to happen again because the Internet is so slow in many parts of campus.
Administrators have no set course of action but anticipate Williams will continue his role at Fairfield and deliver a dual commencement address on educational and business ethics, alongside Bernie Madoff of The Madoff Investment Fund.
Professors were upset when the Academic Vice President’s office issued Williams an honorary degree and a lifetime supply of red T-shirts for the unneeded stress he has endured during the revealing of his name.
Student and faculty members remain outraged that the student has been allowed to graduate with seemingly no punishment, except the stigma of rooting for a basketball team that’ never won when he was a student.
Williams is also currently under investigation for allegedly embezzling funds earmarked for the proposed golden stag statue in order to pay for his body paint addiction.
Stay tuned for on-going coverage of this story.
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