Every year, Fairfield chooses a commencement speaker from those receiving honorary degrees. The typical criteria for the speaker is that they exemplify Jesuit values and have a connection to Fairfield. While this is all good in theory and makes the administration and faculty look like every move follows the strategic plan; it’s not their graduation. It’s ours. And since they have yet to announce a speaker, we thought we would narrow down some candidates for the job (some may be more realistic than others; we just don’t want to fall asleep on Bellarmine lawn):
No. 1 — Ed Cooley
He came in with our class and gave a speech to our orientation groups before he ever coached a game. He’s a great speaker, entertaining and funny, and as a bonus for the administration, is all about the Fairfield community and family.
No. 2 — Bill Murray
His son graduated from Fairfield in 2007, so there’s the Fairfield connection. Plus, on his deathbed, he’s going to receive total consciousness. So he’s got that going for him, which is nice.
No. 3 — David Axelrod
No, not that Dave Axelrod. The one who works with President Obama.
No. 4 — Paul Farmer
He gave our convocation address our freshmen year. And while a repeat speaker may not seem to be exciting, we’re interested in what he thinks about the whole Doug Perlitz scandal.
No. 5 — Justin Long
Son of professor James Long, philosophy extraordinaire, he can finally settle the debate over Macs vs. PCs. And warn us of the perils of starting your own college or becoming a waiter.
No. 6 — Paul Marcarelli
You may know him better as the “Can you hear me now?” guy for Verizon Wireless. He would be a great fit for our speaker since the students and faculty seem to be asking the administration, “Can you hear me now?” a lot in recent weeks. Remember when we were supposed to be a green campus?
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