How to be a player

Well, I must admit, I myself have absolutely zero knowledge on how to be a “player.” However, as I watched the always dependable UPN 9 channel, home of such quality programs as “Blind Date” and “The 5th Wheel”, I was introduced to the world of a “player” via their new reality show cleverly named “The Player.”

For those of you who haven’t seen it, a bunch of self-proclaimed “players” basically compete for a date with a particular female. Self-contradictory? Maybe. Educational? No question. So, being the generous Fairfield University student that I have become, I decided to share with you the general rules of being a “player.” (Note: The words “player” and “balla'” may be used interchangeably as they apparently mean the same thing.)

Rule #1: All players MUST have some form of accent. The ladies don’t seem to be too picky about what kind, as long as it’s present. But there’s a catch. Your accent must match your style. Rocking the blowout? Your best bet is a heavy Bwooklyn accent. Long flowing golden blonde hair? Work that southern charm playa’! Scruffy dark/dirty blonde hair? Well you’re European or Australian, obviously. G’day mate.

Rule #2: Proper use of adjectives, adverbs, and sentence structure is essential. First example: “Yeah, I was talking with some rather attractive women last evening at myself and my friend’s social establishment of choice.” Accurate and concise, but lacking nonetheless. Next example: “Yo, I was talking to some fly hunnies last night at me and my boys’ spot.” Damn son, damn.

Rule #3: You have to drive a good car. This entails buying a Honda or an Acura and sinking at least 10 G’s into it. This money will be spent on three things. The first is a sound system. We’re talking at least two 12’s in the trunk and a pimp head unit (AKA radioCD player). The next thing you need is the biggest freaking spoiler you can find. I mean big. I guess the ladies like it when your Civic now looks like an airplane. Last and most important are rims, or, as known in the player world, dubs. If you ain’t rollin on 20’s you’s not even in the stadium, much less in the game, son. Also, you can never refer to your car as just a car; it must be your “ride” or your “whip.” (See Rule #2.)

By following these three simple rules, you’ll be ballin’ in no time.