It seems like we hear Christmas music on the radio and in the elevators earlier and earlier each year, up until the point where it becomes scary. Why does listening to Jingle Bells on Halloween seem somewhat appropriate?
Regardless, there are always a few of these seasonal jingles that everyone can enjoy. The problem is, the bad songs outnumber the good, 20 to 1. And for whatever reason, that’s the stuff we hear over and over again. However, some of these Christmas albums have crossed a line. They have become so terrible that they shall now be marked as some of the most pathetic attempts at cashing in on Christmas.
I could go off listing contemporary attempts that resulted in terrible seasonal albums, and there are a lot of them, like Lynyrd Skynyrd, the attempt those three prepubescent girls called Hanson made, or even Mariah Carey’s botched endeavor, as she managed to completely redefine the term “Ho, ho, ho.”
But that would be too easy. Instead, this section of print will focus exclusively on the bizarre, the commercialized and the just plain ugly of the musical Christmas cornucopia.
We begin our journey with a question: what would happen if George Lucas decided to punish all of the people who went out and paid to watch his movie? “Christmas in the Stars: The Star Wars Christmas Album” would happen.
Made in 1980, it features the talents of C-3PO, R2-D2, Chewbacca and a bunch of other droids butchering your childhood memories with such hit singles as 3PO’s spoken-word track “Christmas in the Stars.” Hooray!
This album gave us the proof we need that in space, no one can hear you scream, otherwise this insult to nerds everywhere never would have gotten past pre-production.
Oh, but don’t even worry about that, because it doesn’t end there. Do you want to know who made their first-ever album debut on the Star Wars expedition into yuletide cheer? Do you? Why none other than 18-year-old John Bongiovi, or as you might know him: Jon Bon Jovi. Congratulations Jon. Your mother must have been proud. Now get out there and never do anything like that again, ever. Go make out with Ally McBeal, or something.
Also on the list is “Christmas with the Brady Bunch,” both because the Brady family couldn’t belt out a decent single to save Marcia’s life, and because I can’t stand that constantly-smiling pseudo-family with their white teeth and bellbottoms.
And then there’s “Christmas with Colonel Sanders.”
Yeah, I know.
But seriously, what could possibly be more Christmas-y than Colonel Sanders? Nothing, that’s what. Who doesn’t remember the good old days when mom would dunk everything in sight in a vat of cooking oil, place it in a cheap cardboard bucket, and sell it for $4.99 with coleslaw, all in the name Christmas merriment and Kentucky Fried deliciousness.
Mind you, I’ve been limiting myself only to humans up to this point. There have been way too many attempts by pet lovers, notably by the holiday-only ‘bands’ Jingle Cats and Jingle Dogs, to make cats meow, dogs bark and howler monkeys howl to the tune of “Silent Night.” Message to these people: it’s not cute; it’s scary. Stop it.
It would be impossible to mention every single lousy album made, and that’s probably for the best. Astounding as it may be, there is at least one fan to each of the albums I listed. Yes, they like the over-hyped commercial trash like the stuff mentioned in this article.
And there are other people out there, such as the Grinch, that evil magician from Frosty the Snowman, Lex Luthor and Sean Corbett, who will tell you that holiday music is just plain terrible. But pay no attention to these philistines (I don’t), as there are plenty of excellent seasonal tunes out there.
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