HE SAID…

I love girls. Every single one is an angel on earth. Deep down, I wish I were one. But I realize this is an impossible feat, and that I must resort to worshiping everything about women, not to mention trying my hardest to resemble this amazing sex.

I know navy blue and black can never be worn together. I spend many hours straightening my hair and secretly painting my toenails. I hang out at my girls’ houses, giving and taking fashion and relationship advice.

Girls just have so much to offer. I mean, girlfriends always know, right? This is why I can never have too much.

And those guys who befriend girls with secret hopes of getting laid make me absolutely sick. Be a man. Wait, do these shoes go with my shirt okay?

And females, you have the power to turn me into absolute mush. The way your hair always smells amazing, the way you always look perfect, the way you are so naturally beautiful. I know you girls never wear any makeup. You certainly don’t need it. And to my own sex, just stop getting so drunk and hitting on these heavenly creatures, it’s so degrading.

Whenever I see a drunken guy all over some girl at the Grape, my heart is hit with a slight pain, for I find pickup lines and drunkenness to be unnerving, not to mention disgusting. By the way, never wear white pants after Labor Day, it’s just terrible.

For me, the most remarkable moment is waking up next to one of these earthly angels. I am so vulnerable. I am speechless. I don’t know if anything beats it, except of course, those long conversations I have with girls about making a commitment. Those discussions make me feel so alive.

All I have ever wanted was to be a Prince Charming to any female, because every single one is a beautiful princess. Cinderella, come get me. I will make your wishes come true.

Girls, I don’t know how to express the extent to which I worship your sex. I aspire to be just like you, and learn your ways through “chick flicks” (as meatheads call them) and just by spending quality time with you.

I realize I will never be able to match your perfection, but I will spend a lifetime trying to come close.

Oh no, do I look fat today? I knew it. It’s all in my butt.