…SHE SAID

Okay girls, this week’s topic is how great guys are. First and foremost, I must say I love how they get drunk, and even more so, how they act when they drink. They are so much friendlier and less shy. I’ve had like four classes with some guys and they didn’t even say hello to me. But when I see them when they’re drinking, they talk to me. They always want to take me upstairs to their room, to you know, talk where it’s quieter. They say the best things like, “you’re so beautiful,” and “I love you.” It makes me so happy.

They are so nice too, always getting me more drinks. They even let me sleep over if I’m too drunk to walk home. Sometimes they even let me wear a sweatshirt home the next day, and they don’t even call me to ask about it.

They don’t even mention it in class, let alone talk to me. But I know they care when they start talking to me again when they drink. In fact, now that I think about it, the only time they do call to show they care is late on those Friday and Saturday nights after I’ve already gone to bed. Sometimes my friends say it’s a “booty call,” I don’t know what that is, all I know is that they care.

I love those cute moments when they fart in their sleep, or if awake, make a Dutch oven. It’s times like those I realize how everything is always my fault. They always tell me that too, and they must be right, because they’re guys, and they’re superior.

I love how guys are so smart; they never get cranky like us when “Aunt Flow” is visiting. They always remember never to involve emotions. I wish I could do that. I mean, what is with us having such high expectations of them? Why would they want a relationship with us when they barely know us? All we ever do is give them sex.

But most of all, I love how they know how it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean. It’s all up to us girls. I mean, it’s so our fault if we don’t work hard enough and leave ourselves unsatisfied. We’re lucky just to be next to them. Even better though, are those sweet moments when they give us jewelry. Everyone remembers Joe Millionaire, where all those first girls got pearl necklaces that first week.

What can I say? God created man in his image; us girls were just an afterthought. Girls, let’s do our best to make them happy.

(April Fool’s!)