Dear Overcommited,
Thanks for writing to me about this subject. I think we all feel this way sometimes when our plans get tossed aside. It is especially hard when we feel close to the person who cancels on us. Although we don’t want it to, it does feel personal. When it comes to making and keeping commitments sometimes it feels like people fall into one of three categories. 1 – those who make a commitment and keeps it no matter what; 2 – those who make a commitment and keeps it until something “better” comes along; and 3 – those who are afraid to commit or don’t understand what that means. As we get older we hope that we find more people in the first group.
It sounds like you are close with your group of friends. It may be possible that the person who is ditching you may not even realize how it makes you feel or that it may be hurting your feelings. You owe it to yourself and to your friend to quietly explain how those actions make you feel and that you want to trust in what they say but it is hard to do when plans you make change without notice and sometimes because they decided to do something with someone else. If they are truly your friend they will acknowledge your feelings and hopefully understand and try to change their behavior. If they get mad or defensive, maybe try and explain it from a different approach, tell them how it makes you feel and help them understand you are not accusing them or blaming them, just simply sharing your feelings and how what they do impacts you. Depending upon how they act when you confront them, you will just have to either learn not to make plans with them, or just don’t expect them to keep their commitment. Perhaps you won’t get hurt as much if you don’t put your trust in their word. But, if they are truly your friend, I am sure they will understand and respect you for coming to them.
My final thought for you is that although others may let you down, never stop being you and keep your values in tact. Keeping commitments you make is an admirable trait and one that I personally think identifies you as a mature, trustworthy person. This quality will serve you well too as you graduate and move into a professional career. It is also a trait that will cement a personal relationship that is important to you one day. Remember that you cannot change others; you can only let them know how their actions may impact you. If they understand where you’re coming from enough to change, then it is a win-win for you both. If they don’t, then you need to accept that is who they are and just try not to put your faith in what they say. That will also help it feel less personal. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words”.
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