If you’ve gotten drunk and you own a cell phone, you’ve drunk dialed. You’ve called friends, acquaintances, people you don’t even know, and possibly even Mike Jones. But let’s be perfectly honest, for guys, the drunk dial serves two specific purposes: getting laughs or getting ass.
Drunk dials that fall into the “Getting Laughs” category can often make someone’s night when executed correctly. Pray for a voicemail. Then, wait, let that automated chick tell you to leave your message at the tone, and commence unleashing hell on your victim. If you chose to leave a call back number by pressing “five”, you blew it, go sit in the corner.
The great part about drunk dialing for comedy’s sake is that you can basically call anyone, even your parents, who would probably like to find you funny if you weren’t such a disappointment to begin with. They’re probably equally disappointed you didn’t have any friends to call. I actually tried this myself, calling my mother this summer after an afternoon Sox game (a forgettable pummeling at the hands of the Yankees). After the game and a two-bar/twenty beer late afternoon warm up, my friends and I figured we’d be staying out for the remainder of the night. I meant to tell Mom that I wouldn’t be making it home. Instead, all I could get out was “bbjswhh…Jossshhh…Becckkeett…SSSUCKS…gbkllll”, before I passed out and started snoring.
Drunk dials that fall in the “Getting Ass” category are a bit trickier. Many a fool gets made out of these phone calls. Usually, you’ve got less than two minutes to convince some lucky lady that you aren’t completely pathetic in the sack and that tonight’s sub-par one-night stand will be worth tomorrow’s embarrassment. And even if she accepts your less than subtle invitation, considering all the Jack Daniels you consumed, you’ll be lucky if all your equipment operates properly (I mean, that’s just what I’ve heard).
Drunk dialing to get buns seems like a great idea in theory, but it rarely ends well. Here’s my fool-proof test for whether or not a drunk dial will be a good idea. Try this next tie you’re bamboozled and scrolling through your cell looking for a vict…excuse me, young woman to call.
If you find that particular name do you need to pause, even for a second, to reconsider before pressing send? If you find yourself staring at that highlighted name on your cell phone screen for more than a split second, just close your phone and forget about calling. Even you know subconsciously that you shouldn’t call.
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