New Year resolutions are for fat people and alcoholics. Although I could justifiably be described as both, I hate the idea of New Year resolutions. I repeat: I HATE THE IDEA. Was January 1st 2007 such a special day? Did it inspire you to go to the gym? What prevented you from starting your vigorous Stair-Master workout program on Dec. 31, or Nov. 18, or any other of the 364 days of the year?
New Year resolutions are a crock. People that make resolutions fallaciously stampede to the gym and begin their 12-step programs every January only to give up by February.
The lucky ones make it to March, however, statistics show those who decided to quit drinking mysteriously begin to fall off the wagon around March 17, leaving only a few resilient fatties waddling to the gym every day after class and work.
They toil relentlessly over the next two weeks, and finally, people begin to compliment them on their physiques and they become happy and content that they have accomplished their weight loss goals, until they realize they are the butt of everyone else’s April Fools jokes.
Of course, this is just one man’s brutal interpretation of New Year resolutions. I’d resolve to be less sadistic in my opinions but apparently that boat left Jan. 1.
Look, I support anyone who makes an effort to better themselves in any area of their lives, whether they want to get in shape or quit a particular vice. If these are your goals, that’s great, as long as you actually believe in them and desire to accomplish them.
I’ll support anyone in their efforts to better their lives as long as they’re doing something they truly want.
If you truly want to make your life healthier then I support you, but maybe your true desires are to sit around, eat what you want and not give a damn what you look like. I think that’s great, you’re being yourself.
Get in the gym because you want to feel healthier, not simply because we’ve made the transition into another year on the Christian calendar. Besides, I’m sick of waiting 15 minutes for a treadmill while all you new year resolution-makers huff and puff through another three mile-per-hour “jog.”
Hostile? Absolutely. I just would rather see everyone be themselves and do what they want to do every day of the year.
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