Good morning class, I’m your Fairfield University health teacher, Mr. McClorey, and today we’re going to learn about human reproduction.
Despite my personal belief that I am overqualified to teach the subject, I will be your teacher for the duration of this class.
The Jesuits of Fairfield, who are sick and tired of all you spoiled kids whining about how Fairfield doesn’t give away free condoms at the
Health Center, have requested that I give a lesson on sex education.
Before I forget, I assume you’ve all had your permission slips signed by a parent or guardian. You need that to take this class. Please pass those forward now.
This lesson will be graphic, so I don’t want to hear any snickering when I say the words “penis” or “vagina” or “scrotum.”
I will send the first one of you who cannot handle these topics like an adult to Dean Pellegrino’s office, and trust me, you don’t want to miss the video portion of this class, which will provide you with enough sex education to last four years of college.
But more importantly, Dean Pelligrino won’t be happy when you’re sitting in his office because you laughed at my chalkboard drawing of testicles.
He’s got more important things to do, like figuring out why the school is making apartments out of “spaces that were never designed or intended for students to live, congregate and/or socialize”. I’m sure the required renovations will be very extensive.
I apologize, I’m getting off topic. At this time, I’d ask the girls to leave the class and join Ms. Donlon in the next room. What she will teach you girls, God only knows.
The guys will stay with me and learn the intricacies of the male reproductive system and just exactly how our plumbing really works.
Before you leave girls, remember, sex is bad, mmmkay?
Okay listen up men, the male reproductive system is pretty straight forward, you got your penis there, you got your testes….you got…are the girls gone?
Alright, let’s watch the video. It’s called “Debbie Does Dallas,” and it’s much more educational than those silly handouts from the Health Center. I better not hear any knocking from underneath the desks of my classroom.
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