Due to the decreased amount of incoming freshmen and a tight economic budget, the University has announced that no students will be able to live off-campus after the 2009-2010 academic year.
The decision came after a number of money-gathering options were considered; a campus-wide e-mail cited disallowing beach residency would ease many of the financial and social problems the University must face with the controversial Off-Campus Boarder Lottery.
‘The decision to keep all students on campus is one that not only would move us in the direction of that strategic plan thing, but it would give less fodder to the endless amounts of student complaints asking why only some people are allowed to live at the beach,’ according to the e-mail.
The Office of Residence Life rejoiced in its office in the lower level of the Barone Campus Center after hearing the news, eating cake and reminiscing about times when hate mail and angry calls flooded the office, according to one student witness.
‘It’s just easier to tell the senior class now that they can’t get off campus ever,’ said one Residence Life staff member. ‘Because God knows we all already hear it from the half of them who don’t get off campus.’
As such, Apartment Complex singles will be turned into doubles, townhouses will hold twice as many people as currently exists and all the lounges in the freshmen buildings will be turned into dorm rooms.
With such housing changes, many students express outrage.
‘I can’t believe this,’ said Hans Brown ’11. ‘I’ve been planning to live at the Beach since high school. Now, what am I going to do with that yellow bikini I bought two years ago?’
‘This is never going to fly,’ said Christina Sporcle ’12. ‘I’m not living in the kitchen of a townhouse!’
Students of social justice clubs are planning to hold a hunger strike from Barone cafeteria; Sodexo management was unavailable for comment.
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