I’ve known my good guy friend for about two years now. We briefly dated and then were friends with benefits for a few months but I started to get feelings and he backed off.
I didn’t talk to him for months and then we started to talk and hang out again. We ended up making out.
A month later I was the one that told him I wanted to sleep with him, no strings attached. He has been very up front with me on commitment and how he can’t be my boyfriend right now.
The weird thing is that I don’t hate being friends and being physical with him. I had the whole long-term relationship before and it was really nice and I do want that again, but I like where we are.
My question is whether it would be shady if I got involved with someone else. Just a few dates here and there. Any advice in this situation would be great.
-Looking elsewhere for something
I don’t necessarily think that what you’re asking for is too much. Actually, given the situation, you might be in OK shape here.
Your friends with benefits cohort obviously doesn’t want a commitment. You came on stronger, he walked. Now, you’re balancing it fine, and he’s OK with that.
The only area where you might encounter some trouble is if he sees this as a “closed” situation. It’s kind of bizarre, but not unheard of. I’ve seen a few people who want to have it both ways: they want the benefits of a relationship (exclusivity, the physical, etc.) without the title.
So, just to cover your bases, I would raise the idea with him. I’d give it a 95 percent assurance that he doesn’t have any problems with it.
If he has a problem with it, look around, and then drop the benefits when a more well-rounded package comes your way. Yes, sometimes relationships are like looking for job offers: you occasionally take a lesser package because it works at the time, but most people are always ready to move up.
l l l
My best friend and I had known each other for a few years, then progressed to friends with benefits and had been dating for a couple years before we broke up a month ago. The break was mostly situational and timing and since then we have still pretty much been talking on a daily basis.
Just recently I saw him and we ended up hooking up, and later saying I love you. Is it possible to remain friends knowing these feelings still exist, but that it’s impossible for us to be together right now? Are these really feelings or is it just confusion?
-The tension’s tough to resist
Many friendships have a tension that can be tough to resist. The question is whether you can withstand those temptations, assuming you both really want to resist them at all.
Your question is vague, and leaves too much room for interpretation, especially on the breakup. If I knew more, I’d probably be able to give you a better answer here – situation and timing could be anything from an LDR just not working out very well to one not being willing to maintain a relationship at the time – it’s just too open.
Having said that, I wonder why you two are resisting. A friends with benefits situation won’t work here since your feelings are involved – and there are feelings if you said “I love you” like that.
I guess I just don’t understand why a relationship is out of the question here, barring the LDR window of possibility. If you guys broke up a month ago (for vague but not “we’re fighting all the time” reasons), but still get along really well and even hooked up again, how bad could things have been? That’s not the best assumption to make necessarily, but it’s all I’ve got to go on.
If you don’t want to get physical with him but this happens again (ride it out a bit longer to see), you might want to cool it with him for awhile until you can shake the feelings and move on to something new.
l l l
This whole friends with benefits thing seems to affect everyone in some way. Although you are having a good time at the time, it does tend to get messy at times. How would you suggest one go about ending it and returning back to what was once a normal friendship?
-Simple question?
A discussion between the two involved is generally needed. I’ve screened enough situations over the years to know that most of the time, one person’s emotions gets involved more than the other (that “messy” part you mentioned).
Therefore, it has to be done with care, since it can be seen as rejection, just as someone would feel that way if he or she was dumped. Still, most relationships and friends with benefits situations are just friendships with the added benefit of some nookie.
If both sides still want to be friends, excising the physical isn’t impossible. People will make great sacrifices to keep people in their lives that they still feel it is worth it.
Good luck, and thanks for asking.
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