COLUMN: Athletics at Fairfield should be abolished

This is the opinion of a small minority of faculty, staff, and students at Fairfield. I merely used that statement in a cheap, sensationalistic attempt to catch the eyes of readers. So be it. Once you realize what this column is really about, you’ll probably emit an utterance that sounds something like a wild ostrich being strangled by an arthritic Armenian mobster with a soiled bungee cord.

But no animals shall be harmed in the writing of this column. Hopefully.

Intramurals. As you will no doubt find out by looking down to the bottom part of page 25 right now, a lot of students here participate in intramural sports every week. On Sunday, I attended the Intramurals soccer championship on the turf field, and I feel a few observations must be made for the record.

First, both teams, the Shockers and Ganja FC, showed a tenacity and persistence that surprised me very much. One team member even fought through what must have been a a vicious hangover, playing a second half of physical soccer after vomiting at the interval, spewing numerous substances into the on-field trash receptacle during what seemed like a Daliesque rehash of an episode of MTV’s “Jackass.” Ganja’s goalie Eddie Seavers also put forth his best despite the degenerative effects of an attack from the cold virus. Even Ganja libero (and Mirror staffer) Jim Britton put in a yeoman’s performance despite some nasty rug burn…for Jim’s sake I won’t explain further.

But for Ganja, ’twas not meant to be. Although the tokers lost 2-0, one must make the conclusion that, on the balance of play, Ganja was the better side.

So, as a new season of intramural sports begins soon, one must hope that this campus will see a return of the student participation seen in the past, when intramurals were so popular that varsity sports weren’t even scheduled on the same nights as intramural contests!

Will we see Gene Doris scheduling varsity sports around the intramural schedule next year? Probably not. But with increased participation and enthusiasm, maybe intramurals can defy the norm at Fairfield and actually be an appealing athletic option for students.