Commencement speaker almost famous

Doug Perlitz is my commencement speaker. Now, I could take the high road, and say something like, “Gee wiz! This is such a good choice Fairfield has made, someone we can all relate to. He graduated a mere ten years ago and look at all the good he’s done.”

Well, I’m not going to say that. I’m going to be shallow and say what most people want to say, “I want a damn celebrity.”

And not just for the obvious perks of being able to call up my friends at other colleges and rub it in their faces, or the chance that he or she might have shown up at the Grape after the ceremony (I know, I know). I want a celebrity because with all the money floating around at Fairfield, you better hire me someone like Jim Carrey to tell me that how I can be anything I want if I put my mind to it; while doing impressions of Ace Ventura and making my grandmother pee her pants.

I looked it up online and yes it’s a little expensive, but then again so is the tuition here. As long as you are slowly starting to stuff more and more incoming freshman into rooms that I almost suffocated to death in, then maybe you should use some of that extra money towards our speaker. I’m almost not surprised though, $30,000 a year and I couldn’t get a decent grilled cheese at Barone- why should I expect a movie star at graduation?

Frankly, I’m starting to lose it. I don’t get to have a real Clam Jam, there was no spring concert, and during the concert I went to in the fall, I was subjected to watching a girl rub oil all over the members of 112. After all that, you can’t get me someone – anyone – famous? At this point I would even settle for just one of the Dukes of Hazard as long as he pulled up to the stage in that orange Dodge Charger.

The bottom line is: I’m sure that Doug has many interesting things to tell us, and I’m sure it will be a great speech, but at least do this for me: hire Pam Anderson to stand next to him on the stage. She won’t even have to say a word. That way you’ll be making half the graduation class happy- and you’ll make my grandfather very happy.