The following is a message from my conservative alter-ego Thaddeus R. Thompson: A lot of people are all up in arms about “Global Warming.” Let me let you in on a little secret-it doesn’t exist! I was driving around in my nineteen-foot SUV with the AC on the other day just soaking it all in. (It was almost 60 degrees and, at nearly 300 pounds, I am a big guy and I needed to switch the gas-guzzling AC on to cool myself down.)
So, “they” say that coastal areas will be flooded out one day in the future. I say great! I also hope the Great Lakes flood too, and then we could just about wipe all the “Blue” states off the map. Imagine a world without liberals! I get giddy just thinking about it. I think it would be God’s revenge for all their wayward moral ways and all the cappuccinos they keep slugging down.
Another thing I am pretty happy about is that Sears, my favorite tool store, is merging with K-Mart, my favorite clothes store. What a world we live in! Now I can get power tools and knock-off Levi’s jeans at the same strip mall. I also got my Dad a job greeting at the local Wal-Mart. Sure, he may be technically “retired,” but that puny Social Security check can’t accommodate his lavish lifestyle and I’m sure not going to contribute. Once we privatize Social Security, I am going to put it all in one company as my analyst keeps suggesting. (Hey, it almost worked for me with Enron.)
I see all these kids in Abercrombie and Gap clothes and it just makes me want to vomit. My boy wears nothing but K-Mart “Bugle Boy” clothes and that’s the way it will be until he is 21. As for my daughter, she can show off her intellect, NOT her body. We’re talking elbows, stomach, legs and chest completely covered. It may seem harsh, but so will the shotgun I wield on the first boy I catch giving her “the eye.”
Working at the local Lockheed plant, I have been busier than ever. People say bombs don’t win hearts and minds. I say just wait until we get fed up and experience some more “Shock and Awe.” When we do, I will be glued to Fox News as the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” or “Taps” slowly plays in the background. Oh, fellow patriot, there will be a tear or two rolling down my grizzly cheeks.
Aren’t you all glad that that weenie John Kerry and his running mate with the “perfect” hair are now out of the way? I mean seriously, a decorated veteran? Give me a break. He probably nicked his finger and they gave him a Purple Heart. I saw those Swift Boat Vet ads and I know the truth. He wanted to roll back my tax cuts too!
Although I have yet to receive any tax cut, my multi-millionaire neighbor has. Thanks to all the loot he got back from the feds we were able to have a mighty enjoyable BBQ.
It’s getting better all the time, my friends. Eat, drink, and be merry because God’s own disciple and a pretty damn smart guy in his own right, George W. Bush, is at the helm of our ship!
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