As a beach resident for the last two years, I am qualified to speak on the numerous differences between girls’ houses and guys’ houses down at Fairfield Beach.
Every girls’ house that I have ever been in smells pleasant, sort of a floral scent emanating from a Yankee candle or the fruity aroma of shampoo. My house smells like a combination of the New Jersey turnpike, body odor and low tide.
Girls’ houses tend to be full of drama. Out of a house of five girls, at least two of them genuinely hate each other and one girl has slept with one of her housemate’s boyfriends.
Guys’ houses tend to be sans drama. The five in our house like each other, so if someone is out of line, we inform him that we don’t appreciate his behavior.
If that doesn’t work, then we write obscene things on him when he’s passed out drunk.
Girls tend to have lots of food in their houses and then they complain about how they don’t fit in their jeans.
In our house we have nothing but condiments and beer, but no one whines about his weight. If we are ever fortunate enough to have food, it doesn’t last for more than four hours.
At Lantern Point, the popular thing for girls’ houses to do is to adopt a dog and let it poop all over the place. On the other hand, the only dog to ever hang out in my house for more than an hour died two days later.
Girls hate when freshmen invade their parties. At our house, we love our freshman teammates, and we especially don’t mind when they bring droves of their skinny, blonde, 19-year-old female companions with them as well.
Girls tend to value their furniture a bit more than guys. It’s not unlikely to see lamps, dining room tables, coffee tables, or clean couches at any girls house on our path.
We have no lamps or tables, and the two dilapidated couches in our house reek of stale booze. I’m convinced they would make anyone with a weak stomach vomit if a black light was shone on them.
I’m sure that not every guys’ house is like ours, but they should be. Thanks to Eric, Rich, Brad, and Ryan for helping turn the Bunny into the beautiful disaster that it is.
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