Note from the editor: This is the questionable content that caused the Mirror orientation issue to be censored by the administration and pulled off stands.
Obviously, to write for a column entitled “He Said,” it would be necessary for me to prove my manliness. Here’s a short resume: my hobbies include being incredibly lazy and quoting Schwarzenegger verbatim, who by the way, is a choir boy compared to me. I’m the type of person who still considers the word “broad” as a socially acceptable reference to a female. It’s a miracle that girls even talk to me. But I digress. Here, in 400 words, is my list of most annoying traits of the opposite sex:
Tanning Obsession: Don’t get me wrong, the sight of a tan stomach on a fine young dime piece can get me more excited than when I saw my first boob watching scrambled porn in my basement when I was ten. But I’m thinking future. With all the tanning girls do today, I feel like ten years down the road I’m going to be stuck dating a girl looking like Magda from Something About Mary. A future that involves having sexy time intercourse with girls whose skin is the basic equivalent of a leather couch doesn’t exactly get my motor running. In the future, I plan to stick with those who stay out of the sun.
Talking behind each others’ backs: Put simply, girls just need to cut the talk and fight it out. I think every guy will agree: there is NOTHING more entertaining in this world than watching a Girl Fight. Pulled hair, scratching, kicking, slapping; most guys sport half wood just thinking about it. And all this combined with the 50/50 odds of a ripped shirt and exposed boobies? In Girl Fights, EVERYBODY wins.
Always thinking their butt is too big: Ladies, if the Tip Drill video has taught us anything, there is no such thing as a butt that’s too big. I want too see badonkadonks so big they leave me fumbling through my wallet like Nelly searching for credit cards to “swipe”. “I SAID IT MUST BE YO’ ASS ‘CUZ IT AIN’T YO’ FACE.” I agree with you, Nelly. It must.
Refusal to urinate in public: This I just don’t understand. To support my opinion, here’s a brief history of my urinary achievements: I’ve pissed in multiple streets and parking lots, not to mention lakes, streams and other various tributaries. I’ve pissed on people’s dorm room doors. I’ve on every type of shrubbery imaginable. I’ve even pissed the bed at 20 years of age. Granted, I was piss drunk, HA (cue tumbleweed).
That most girls can get wasted by drinking the amount of alcohol I drank to get wasted in eighth grade: Each and every day I curse my Irish heritage for requiring me to inhale 12 beers just to get a buzz on. You don’t even realize how jealous I am of the girl that drinks five Zimas, stumbles around drunk all night and later wakes up at 3 a.m. to find that she was using the toilet as a pillow.
Leave a Reply