She said: What happens on spring break stays there!

As I proceeded to reach for my fourth piece of pie this past Christmas, a momentary vision of myself weighing in at 400 pounds and wearing a two-piece swimsuit during spring break rushed through my head.

Any normal reaction, of course, would have been to stop consuming massive amounts of food, but I followed the Chris Farley response, “Lay off me I’m starving!”

Spring Break therefore is more than just a week of “restful R and R” in some exotic Caribbean location. It is the culmination of who has done the best job shedding the holiday pounds and staying away from the tots at Barone.

In hindsight, these physique goals for break seem rather inconsequential because any loss associated with this activity is usually regained in the form of seven days of heavy liquid caloric intake.

Spring Break is an expense that we have saved all summer for, thought about on cold winter weekends, gone special shopping for, and is a trip we swear will be the most fun week of our lives. In addition to our flight, hotel and booze cruise tickets, we have incurred tanning, waxing and pedicure costs all in preparation for this coveted week.

To make sure these investments do not go to waste, here are a few tips for my southbound females:

-Every guy on Spring Break has a perpetual boob count going. A few of the more sketchy ones may even a keep count on some kind of camera or videotape.

Although it may be tempting to revert back to social anxiety days when you were three and lift your shirt up, it’s an amateur move to become a double tally statistic.

-Roughly one out of every four guys on Spring Break will at one point get caught for public urination charges. If you are with a guy who is engaged in this behavior move away from the infraction and find someone who knows how to find and operate in a bathroom.

-Remember to stay with friends. Although this may sound rather maternal, one time a friend disappeared for two hours on a Spring Break.

The next time anyone saw him he was on the hotel elevator, face down, spread eagle with a cake-like consistency speared on his face and a traffic cone next to him. To this day, we still do not know what happened to him.

I wish everyone a safe and pina-colada-filled vacation. Remember to wear seat belts, sunscreen and any other protection you may need.