A girl is not interested if she simply tells you so. This, however, rarely occurs. No offense, He Said, but I don’t find your peace sign and on-campus living arrangement sexy or appealing. I’m breaching tradition on my first column, but we will not be hooking up this year, unless it happens at the Grape, which we all know does not count.

She’s just not that into you if she once denied all requests to ‘hang out’ at the Dugout, the former ‘crew’ house. Once you were in the Dugout, it was hard to get out without having to steal a base or two. Advice to freshmen girls: just tell the crew team that no, you do not want to be their coxswain and all that it implies.’

If she asks you for guy advice you are, essentially, screwed.’ You have now crossed the line from potential hook-up/boyfriend to FOG, or Friend-Of-Girl. You’re her lunch date or, even worse, her platonic date to weddings. Your family asks why the two of you aren’t dating, though you would like to be. You are now not a lady killer, but a killer of another guy’s game. Your mere presence is a threat to any of her potential suitors.’

Another scenario: you text her, utilizing your superb communication skills: ‘sup, what r u up 2 tonite?’: ‘where u at?’ or, my personal favorite, ‘what u doin?’ She won’t be ‘doin” you any time soon, and you know this when you get her response: ‘Sorry, I got a new phonewho is this?’ She may not respond at all, and when you ask her about it, she says ‘Oh sorry, I didn’t get your text!’ She did not get a new phone, or if she did, it’s because she lost it at the house of the other guy she hooked up with last weekend. She might not have your number, but she definitely has his.

If she consistently engages you in ‘heart-to-hearts’ or if she ruthlessly avoids your attempts to take her to dinner at Chef’s Table or, better yet, Joe’s, she’s really just not that into you.

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