Valentine’s Day is upon us. It’s time once again for the young gentlemen of Fairfield to start preparing their Valentine applications if they so choose to pursue everyone’s favorite Mirror journalist: me.
Essays may be submitted in word or video format, and should be in before Feb. 11, when a panel of judges and I will begin the rigorous interview process. Feb. 13 will be my annual “Bachelorette”-style (or “I Love New York,” if you prefer) date with the top five finalists to determine who will ultimately be my Valentine’s Day date.
Due to the overwhelming response experienced in previous years we will not be able to accept late applications.
Applicants should be full time undergrads, single (it seems so obvious, but previous experience has proven that it must be said), and available to devote the entire day of February 14th to woo-ing yours truly. Pluses would be: tall, ruggedly handsome, intelligent, Irish, and a fan of talking about me. Smokers, the unemployed, and overall sleaze-bags need not apply. Basically, I don’t want no scrubs.
Besides enjoying a fabulous day and a romantic date with me, the winner will also receive school-wide fame, eternal bragging rights, and a possible opportunity for a future date. This is basically the equivalent of a dating internship. Applicants should not assume that this will lead to a relationship, as this is hardly likely to be the case.
In response to critics (yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but there are critics every year), I realize that my dating methods may seem a bit unconventional.
However, my papa tells me I’m a heart-breaker, and papas don’t lie. I have to believe that… nay, I know that the reason it may appear that I am in a bit of what a pessimist/glass-is-half-empty type may call a “dating drought” is purely because the men of Fairfield find me a bit intimidating. With my flowing blond hair, quick wit, overall great looks and charming personality, who could blame them really?
Boys, I just want to let you know that I realize you’re scared; I’m scared too. I’m just like you really. I just want to hang out, take it easy, maybe crack some Natty Lights and make a few bad decisions.
I hope that you will all continue to send in your applications to the Mirror office as you have in the past and I look forward to hearing from all of you soon. Thank you in advance for your interest.
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