Dear Father Von Arx,
Welcome to Fairfield! Now that you are here I would like to offer you a few tips. You may have some big shoes to fill, but hopefully this column will help you out a bit.
First of all, don’t start by eating a big meal in the cafeteria. It’s like the water in Mexico. Take it gradually and your stomach will adjust to the “unique” qualities of it.
While we are on the topic of food, please steer clear of the Seagrape Cafe. Rumor has it that, many years ago, Father Kelley ventured in this establishment and the place cleared out. Drinking in front of the school president is a bit uncomfortable. (Also, the quality of the alcohol in my mind really isn’t worth the effort.)
Another disturbing APK moment is when you put the student CD-ROM handbook in a computer. It is a bit Orwellian how a video of him pops up, and I would recommend against filming a similar video for next year. Instead, how about getting Andre 3000 of Outkast?
Once you get here, you had best start fundraising. APK raked in the cash like no other and basically built this university from the ground up. We as students owe an awful lot to our president for the past 25 years.
So, you not only need to match his contribution to the endowment, you need to double it! (Foxwoods could theoretically double the money, but I would advise against it.) We need to go from $100 million to $200 million. It’s a lot of work, but I think you’re up to it.
Speaking of APK’s 25 years here, you also need to at least stay that long (We’re not the Red Sox here, replacing our manager every time something goes wrong). To truly impress the community I would recommend sleeping in an “Age Defying” chamber a la Michael Jackson, that way you could be here 50 years.
Father Kelley has left you with a rather impressive infrastructure here (Including a handsome theatre at the Quick Center named after himself). He has built so much that you really have to wonder: what is left?
I would recommend an international airport in Bridgeport. It would be good for the city, and it would make it easier for students from far away to get here. Plus, have you seen how crowded JFK is these days? Sure, this will be pretty expensive, but I think it’s a healthy first year project.
In all sincerity, Kelley was a wonderful man for this school. While he was a bit hard to understand and a bit isolated, there is no doubt that he was invaluable to Fairfield’s rise into a premier university. So just stay open and friendly to the students and you’ll do fine. Oh, and raise $100 million, build several buildings, an international airport, and stay for 25 years.
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