With the “dumpsgiving” holiday approaching, I figured now is as good a time as any to address questions in the break up category. Get some tissues and some coffee, since break ups are never fun and I’ve gone waaaay over my normal word count.
I’ve had a long, but bumpy relationship with a girl who is pretty cool, but overall I don’t think ultimately this relationship is going to work out. But I don’t want to lose her completely – I’d like to remain friends with her. We have differences that seem like they won’t ever work out, but we do have fun together. Is there an easy way to break up with her or is it a roll of the dice?
-Next stop: splitsville
Welcome to Vegas. Up for a game of craps?
There are definitely ways you can try to control the blow of the break up punch. Emphasize that you like spending time with her, but tell her that you seem like being more comfortable with her as friends. Tell her that you like the time you spend together, but think it would just work out better if there wasn’t all that physical and emotional stuff. (I’m not going to give you a script here – you’ll have to form the words that make sense, since you know her better than I do.)
While you might want the friendship angle to work, it takes two to tango. If she’s really hurt by the breakup, or it feels like you just gave her an old-fashioned slap in the face, it might not be something she’s interested in. If she’s quite emotionally invested in the relationship, she might need some time away from you to be able to work through her feelings before a friendship could be possible.
But something bothers me about the question. You say that you have differences that seem like they will never work out. Everybody is different from everybody else, and the best relationships work through those differences or at least find ways to play more on the similarities. Some differences can even make a relationship stronger. What kinds of differences exist that would cause you to want to break up with her? It’s a vague question, with no mention of trying to talk with her about the differences, so I don’t know what’s been done. It sounds on the surface as if there might be another reason, but your question leaves a lot open.
Hopefully I’ve gotten a good enough picture to guide, but if not, feel free to send in a follow-up. Enough of those and maybe “… on former answers” will follow the column’s name in a couple of weeks. And remember – if you’re going to be friends, all the physical stuff has to be checked at the curb. To not do that would basically shoot down any chance of a friendship at all. So keep the hormones in check if you are serious about friendship.
I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of months ago because I thought things weren’t going to work out. Since then, I’m starting to think that was a mistake. I still have a lot of feelings for her, and neither of us have really moved on from the relationship. We’re still friends, but I’m starting to long for something more from her again. Is this something I should pursue? Please advise.
-Wanting a second chance
A few little caution flags come up with a situation like this, and it’s important that you hear them before making a final decision on this subject.
First, there were reasons why you broke up before. If you couldn’t work things out then, and chances are they’ll resurface, do you think you’ll be able to work them out now?
Second, are you making this move because in trying to get over her you haven’t found anybody else?
Third, do you see some sort of future with her? If not, is there even a reason to get back involved?
Assuming you can work through those three questions and get acceptable answers for yourself, asking her to give it another shot might be worthwhile. But remember, you broke up with her, so she might not be willing to give you the chance for a déjà vu moment. In addition, she might indeed be moving on, but it might not be visible to you, or even told to you, in the event that it might hurt your feelings. Friendships, especially those in the months following a break up, might be tip-toed through by one or both people at first, just to ensure that the friendship can survive.
Heed the yellow flags, resolve the issues, and you might be able to head down the gridiron and possibly even make it to the endzone unscathed.
My boyfriend just broke up with me recently, ending a long-term relationship. I didn’t see it coming and it’s devastated me. Do you have any advice on how to get a grip on things and move on? It’s making schoolwork, friendships, just about everything more difficult.
-Torn over ex-bf
I’m sorry to hear about your relationship woes.
The best way to move on is to take advantage of your other pillars in life. I’ve always imagined life as a building that is supported by a series of pillars – friends, family, relationships, work, fun activities, etc. If one of those pillars is weakened or is jarred loose, you have other pillars still supporting you – the building never comes crashing down.
This is an opportunity to take advantage of all the other things in your life and enjoy the time with them. Go visit your family for a weekend (Thanksgiving is coming, which will be a perfect time). Hang out with your friends more, especially ones that didn’t get a lot of attention since the significant other became the best friend too. Get more involved with the activities that you enjoy to do.
Keep in mind that you shouldn’t use these things to just block any sort of emotional struggles with the break up – rather, they should help remind you that life offers so many different pieces that if one breaks off, you’ve still got a fairly decent puzzle there. And of course, eventually you’ll find someone to fill in that hole in the puzzle and you’ll have a full picture again. A break up isn’t the end of the world, although it will feel that way – there’s so much more to life than that – now’s the opportunity to remind yourself of that and to dive back into areas you might not have had the chance to. Good luck, and thanks for asking.
Have a question you want answered? E-mail joconnell@fairfieldmirror.com and he may answer your question in a future A Word of Advice. Questions are answered every Monday and Thursday. All questions answered in the column were submitted by college-age students and may have been edited for length and/or content.
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