Frankly Speaking

Beneath the peaceful facade of our serene, picturesque suburban campus boils a hatred like none other, a dislike that cuts to the heart of all that is dear to either side. More than anything else, a battle of two East Coast cities, neither of which has reached the realization that there indeed is an outside world. And those two sides collide here everyday at the Gettysburgh of this collective struggle, Fairfield University.

Of course I mean how students from Massachusetts and the New York Metro area just don’t seem to like each other at this college. So, from my unbiased seat west of the Delaware River, here’s the tail of the tape.

Baseball: You really have to give it to Boston on that loyalty thing, although 26 world championships is tough to argue with. I liked the old Roger Clemens better though, before it was far too apparent that throwing sharp objects at the greatest hitting catcher of all time is a redneck sport of the utmost popularity deep in the heart of Texas. And the entire Bill Buckner saga is just a damn shame. Advantage New York

Area: One of my favorite parts about this campus is the way students’ geography is askew…all the time. Be advised, if you are from Paramus, or anywhere north of Trenton for all it matters, Westchester or Long Island, you are not from the Big Apple. Nor does hailing from a Northeast suburb gain you automatic acceptance to fill ODB’s space in the Wu Tang Clan. In other words, very few college students are actually representing the 36th chamber of Shaolin while blaring rap music from an IROC. Advantage Boston

Sure, the Red Sox are an easy target, but it is funny how New Yorkers forget about Larry Bird, Bill Russell and the Celtics’ domination of Gotham basketball for decades, huh? Advantage New York

Accents: Honestly, the “wicked” thing doesn’t bother me that much. Nor does either group’s despicable omission of grammar-school phonics. And while I have heard stories of mothers covering their young children’s ears at Fenway Park, I do laugh every time I hear “Welcome to Worcester…Dollar twenty-five.” Advantage Boston

Politics: It’s far too easy for me to sit here and make jokes about Hillary Clinton or Ted Kennedy, so I won’t. And the Kennedys vs. the Roosevelts would be quite a battle. But in the bottom of the 10th, that shot of Dukakis in the tank is still the all-time Bill Buckner error of politics. Advantage NY

Movies: Good Will Hunting is a good movie, I really enjoy it, and I realize that anyone who had spent at least a week of 1998 in New England has the entire flick memorized. But I can name a list of movies based in New York where I can watch Robert DeNiro make confused faces instead of a half hour of Ben Affleck’s younger brother. Advantage NY

So there it is, my take on Fairfield’s favorite rivalry. And the good word from Vegas is that New York’s Willie Beamenesque strength and speed score a fourth round knock out. That is, until, both sides meet each other somewhere around Foxwoods and settle this once and for all.