by Jessica Holmberg
Let’s face it. We’re all the same when it comes to relationships. Freshman year: It’s your first time in college, and you want to start fresh. So you break it off with your hometown love and are single. Woo hoo, now you can hook up with as many people as possible. You start with the senior class and work backwards.
Sophomore and junior year: You’ve realized college is much harder than you thought. You get involved in a relationship or two. Heck, maybe you even get involved in two relationships at once since you think you’re so smooth. Then you’re caught and are now back to the singles scene again.
Senior year: Now you’ve finally made it. You live at an awesome beach house, and sharing a room in an already cramped house has instantly become the next best thing for an upperclassman. You’re a male senior and throw keg parties, which gives you open access to freshmen. No pun intended. Or you’re a female senior and realize no male seniors like you because you never paid attention to them in previous years.
However, despite your status, you are bound to fall into one of the following six hook-up types at some point.
1. The “I am seriously calling you tomorrow” type.
Man, that is bold. I mean, who really means they’re going to call the next day? We all know your phone isn’t about to ring tomorrow. If that person wants to talk to you, your phone will ring. Otherwise, they probably don’t like you or found someone better looking, so don’t call them. Instead of crying about it, just get over it. The next time someone asks you for your number, don’t give it right away. If they want to talk to you, they’ll be persistent. At least that way, you won’t have to worry about the no-call excuse you’re going to hear for the I-am-extremely-blacked-out-right-now promise from the night before.
2. The “I like you so much let’s meet at the Sea Grape” type.
Meeting up at the bar is not a date. The bar is a place for guys to buy girls a drink and expect some form of a hook-up as repayment. Everyone does The Lap at least five
times, and with a 180 in hand, settles for the best fellow classmate your beer-goggles guide you to.
3. The “We went out on one date so now we’re together” type.
You have been swept off your feet by the most incredible first date, and you find yourself falling in love. HOLD UP. While you may be impressed by that one date, don’t be fooled. Just because you went out does not mean you are a couple. And when you don’t go out again, don’t spread the rumor that the two of you have instantly broken up. Your counterpart then has the right to start rumors that you are a psychopath. Why, you ask? Well, because you are.
4. The “What are we now?” type.
If you don’t know what the two of you are, then you have already answered the question: you’re nothing. If it comes to the point at which you have to ask the other what the status is, then you’ve already invested way too much time into whatever kind of relationship it is. Deal with the person as they are, and don’t change them into someone you want them to be.
5. The “I care about you but can’t be with you right now” type.
Who would hang around for this game-playing loser? Apparently they are more into hanging out with their friends, boozing, or even doing homework, which should send a clear message to you. It is up to you whether to stick around for some random play, but to think that this relationship is more than just a hook-up would be the equivalent of doing the Walk of Shame: so shameful.
6. The “I am a senior and my life will be over if I date you” type.
Senior year is the last chance to be free and to party excessively, according to some seniors. For these people, they will hook up as much as they can before graduation. They are into the casual hook-up scene and often enjoy sharing hook-up stories with their friends. Do not condemn this type; just stay away if you do not want to be involved. These types realize they have all hooked up with the same group of people, which probably involved blackout hook-ups, and now also share a common bond with STDs. High five to that.
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