As far as I’m concerned I’m pretty damn tired of all this talk of “war.” Let’s be reasonable here. If we want to take out Iraq we need to do it old school Mike Tyson style-knockout in 44 seconds. How do we get this done? Simply put, the big boy-the “H” bomb. We talk about hydrogen cars but what ever happened to hydrogen bombs? I know we still have them. Let’s use them people!
You might think that I am alone in this extreme idea. But as my (fictional) conversation with prominent conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh proves I am right on the mark.
Me: “So, Rush how do you feel about dropping some some nukes, clearing out the ‘pantry’ as it were of our arsenal?”
Rush: “We lost the element of strategic surprise a long time ago, and one of my first expressed concerns about that was that all this delay just puts our troops at greater risk. That’s unnecessarily (sic), as far as I’m concerned.”
You have to read between the lines here, people. Rush is sending secret messages via this internationally-renowned paper to Defense Secretary Donald “Rummy” Rumsfeld and Vice-President Dick Cheney. These orders are slowly being carried out and the message has been relayed to President Bush who is safely tucked in bed with his teddy bear dreaming of “compassionate” moments in his campaign for conservatism.
The bomb is on its way. We need the oil. I know that. You know that. And President Bush has it written down somewhere. Iraq has this sweet, sweet oil and also sandy beaches (once the half-life of the nukes is over). Imagine sunning yourself by the Tigris River all thanks to the good folks at Carnival Cruises! But it’s not just Iraq we take care of! The H-bomb packs a wallop! We can knock out both Iraq and Iran (2/3 of the “axis of evil” at once), while probably taking down Saudi Arabia! (I read somewhere that the hijackers on 9/11 came from there and not Iraq! Amazing. I must investigate further.) So we get oil on the cheap and can block France and Germany (those weenies) from getting any of it. More oil means bigger cars. Bigger cars means more soccer moms. More soccer moms mean a better U.S. soccer team and FINALLY a world cup for our men’s team! It all seems really nice doesn’t it?
People might ask who will run the refineries in the heavily contaminated area? It’s a great question and an even easier answer-enemy combatants. We have tons of these foreigners (and even some homegrown citizens) who have no rights and nothing to do. We clear out Guantanamo Bay and ship them out. Done and done. As an added advantage we can use our newly vacated base in Cuba for a Sandals resort!
Am I really in favor of dropping a Hydrogen bomb? No. Am I in favor of pulverizing valuable civilizations and killing innocents? No. For these very same reasons we must flatly reject any war. Diplomacy is our best weapon. People tend to have problems with you when you rip up their country with 25,000 daisy-cutter bombs and missles, then smile and say that you are now ruled by a country all the way around the world. We are really after Iraq’s second-largest-in-the-world oil reserves. Because if we were really out to root out evil dictators we would be waging war on Saudia Arabia’s oppressive regime, North Korea’s nuclear touting leader, and our own civil liberties hacking attorney general John Ashcroft. As I began by saying, I’m sick of the war. Drop the bombs already. I’d like to get back to actually reading about a domestic agenda.
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