What’s the deal with Fairfield?

Editor’s note: Mike Theile wonders what Jerry Seinfeld would say if he visited Fairfield.

What’s the deal with all the athletic fields here? Just because your school is named Fairfield, doesn’t mean you need to have all these fields. If the school was named Fairfactory, I don’t think you would have factories all over the campus!

What’s the deal with Lucas the Stag? Is it really necessary? Nothing says welcome to Fairfield University, like a rotting deer carcass.

What’s the deal with Father Kelley? Where is this guy? You would think the president of the university, would be seen around the university! Does this guy think he is a celebrity? He’s no Burt Reynolds.

And what’s with all the sand around campus? There is more sand here than on the beach. I feel like I am walking in the Sahara Desert. I am spending more time in the sand than David Hasselhoff. (Columnist note: I mentioned to Jerry that he ripped that joke off from the movie Happy Gilmore, and he concurred).

What’s the deal with all the hard alcohol these students drink? It feels wet, it tastes wet, they should call it Wet Alcohol.

What’s the deal with these bike cops? Are they not allowed to drive a car? Did they eventually have training wheels? What if they try to arrest someone? Would the detainee have to hop on the bikes pegs and be brought down to security?

And what’s the deal with The Oak Room? We know the room is made out of oak; does it really need to be named The Oak Room? Those beach houses all have crazy names. The university should just steal a couple house names, combined them and rename the room. How about The Smoking Bunny Bowl Room?

And what’s the deal with this Red Sox – Yankees rivalry? What is this the Civil War II? Every time I go into the campus center, I get nervous that I am going to get stuck in the Battle for Barone!

What’s the deal with The Grape? I went down there and got smashed. They should call that place The Fermented Grape.

Thanks. Don’t eat the Barone veal.