From a strictly biological perspective, women exist in their physical form to please the eyes and loins of their male counterparts.
It is through the power of operant conditioning that both sexes participate in intercourse to advance the human race. In order to put these proven theories into context, I decided to give you, the Fairfield male, some bathroom reading material.
To elicit the sexual response of a college male, the college female must be attractive. This is fact. While personality weighs in differently, all men are innately interested in finding out a woman’s cup size.
If you ladies were ever wondering what we talk about when you are just out of hearing range, we usually rate your attractiveness on a scale of one to 10 and the probability of having sex with you in relation to how many drinks we’ve watched you consume.
Perhaps the best story I’ve ever heard concerning sexual appetite was on rounds one night last year. To this day, I’ll never forget the attempts of one very inebriated freshman to get laid. A mass text message to all his potential booty calls produced one response from a lucky lady thirsty for a snack. However, his potential for round two imploded when he was rudely awakened after she had gone through his cell phone’s outbox.
That said most upperclassmen have standards. I’m sure you all have become acquainted with the anomalies that disrupt our beautiful campus scenery. However, even the more desirable female population has its fair share of problems.
Regardless of how good she was in the sack, once we’ve discovered that she’s been around more times than Sarah Palin we draw the line. Often, these ones keep calling even though they have drunkenly admitted to how much experience it’s taken them to master the fellatio. The absolute worst are the clingers who bring out their emotional baggage after what we thought would just be a one-night stay. If begging you to call her daddy doesn’t ruin your climax I don’t know what will.
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